


The Lists of Hermione Granger

by Laughter is Life (Amarenima)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Lists
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-01-10 18:53:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 8,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12305502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amarenima/pseuds/Laughter%20is%20Life
Summary: When going through the boxes in the attic, Severus Snape comes across a file of his wife's.  Curiosity takes over and upon opening it he finds... lists.





	1. Ten Reasons to Become a Witch

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by following stories:   
> > SnuggleswithSnape's "To Annoy a Potions Master" found on FanFiction.net  
> > BetteNoire's "Almost" found on FanFiction.net

**10 Reasons to Become a Witch**

> I'm writing this because Mum and Dad still aren't sure that I should go to Hogwarts.

Severus was very surprised. When he had met Dr. and Dr. Granger they didn't seem to be the type of people who would hesitate to let their daughter learn about... well, anything.

 

> 1\. I have the ability to do magic and it would be a waste not to learn about it.
> 
> 2\. If I learn to control my magic, there wouldn't be so many accidents around the house.
> 
> \+ Things might not break when I get angry.
> 
> \+ Things might not "get lost" as often.
> 
> 3\. I might be able to fix my teeth so I don't have to wear braces.
> 
> 4\. I'll be able to make real friends that understand me.
> 
> 5\. I'll be able to do my chores faster with magic.
> 
> 6\. I'll be able to help make the world a better place with my magic.
> 
> 7\. Going to a boarding school would help me learn to be more independent.
> 
> 8\. I'll be able to learn about the world from a different point of view.
> 
> 9\. It will broaden my horizons.
> 
> 10\. It's _Magic!_ How cool is that!


	2. Books I Want to Own

Severus Snape moved onto the next list and nearly laughed upon seeing the title. It appeared that this list was written shortly after Hermione's first year began.

> Books I want to Own
> 
> 1\. A Study of Recent Developments in Wizardry
> 
> 2\. A Guide to Medieval Sorcery
> 
> 3\. An Appraisal of Magical Education in Europe
> 
> 4\. Encyclopedia Magica
> 
> 5\. Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century
> 
> 6\. Great Wizards of the Twentieth Century
> 
> 7\. Hogwarts, A History
> 
> 8\. Sites of Historical Sorcery
> 
> 9\. The Tales of Beedle the Bard
> 
> 10\. The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts
> 
> 11\. The Wand Chooses the Wizard: A Study of Wand-lore
> 
> 12\. Weird Wizarding Dilemmas and Their Solutions


	3. My Professors and Their Subjects

Severus' curiosity spiked upon reading the title of the next list. What did his dear wife think of him when she was 11?

> My Professors and Their Subjects. My thoughts:
> 
> Professor Aurora Sinistra: Astronomy = A stern but understanding witch.
> 
> +Study the stars and planets every Wednesday at midnight.
> 
> +Relatively easy subject.

Severus smiled and thought, 'Well, Hermione never really had a problem with any subject.'

> ~Professor Minerva McGonagal: Transfiguration = Head of Gryffindor house! Strict but fair and not one to cross.
> 
> +The art of changing something into something different.
> 
> +The theories are easy to understand, but they are slightly difficult to put into practice.

Severus snorted in amusement. 'Slightly difficult?' he thought. He remembered how Minerva had compared Hermione's transfiguration work to that of Black's and Potter Senior's. Considering that those two had obtained animagus forms by their 5th year, that was saying something.

> Professor Quirinus Quirrell: Defense Against the Dark Arts = Nervous & seems to love the color purple. That is the color of his turban at least.

Severus shuddered upon reading that. What had been under the turban was still a topic of his nightmares.

> +A class that teaches us how do defend ourselves.
> 
> +Slightly more difficult than transfiguration. Would be better if Professor Quirrell didn't stutter so much. I don't understand why he's so scared.
> 
> ~Professor Ponoma Sprout: Herbology = Head of Hufflepuff House. Kind, nurturing, and encouraging.
> 
> +The study of magical plants.
> 
> +Physically draining even if the subject matter is easy to understand.

Severus agreed with Hermione's assessment of Ponoma and her subject. Herbology had been his favorite class, except for potions, when he was a student. Ponoma had always seemed to actually care about him, even if it was because it was her job. One of the things that had hurt most during his short tenure as Headmaster of Hogwarts was the open looks of hate and betrayal that Ponoma had given him. Once she learned why he had done what he had, she was one of the first to forgive him. She was one of the few people of the 'old crowd' that he was still in contact with.

> ~Professor Filius Flitwick: Charms = Head of Ravenclaw House. He's short and I think he may be part Goblin. Really kind and smart.
> 
> +Enchanting objects to behave in ways that aren't normal for those objects.
> 
> +Very easy.
> 
> ~Professor Cuthbert Binns: History of Magic = He's the only ghost teacher.
> 
> +Studying the past of the Magical world.
> 
> +Not the best teacher alive... or dead for that matter. I hate to insult Professors, but the class would be more interesting if it was taught differently. Right now, I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one to take this class seriously.

Severus' curiosity spiked as he read on.

> ~Professor Severus Snape: Potions Head of Slytherin House. He favors Slytherin students over all others and doesn't seem impressed with my work. I'll have to work on that. Despite being really grumpy and sometimes downright mean he is probably one of the most effective Professors at Hogwarts. He is definitely intelligent.

Severus shook his head. He really wished that it hadn't taken Hermione until she came back for her seventh year at Hogwarts, to figure out how to really earn his respect. At the same time he was surprised that she didn't comment on his then greasy hair or his hooked nose or even his cold tunnel-like eyes.

> +The creation of concoctions in a cauldron following a recipe.

Severus snorted. That was certainly an elementary way of putting it.

> +Very easy. I've always been good at following directions.

Severus openly laughed at that. Hermione may have been very good at following certain directions but she most definitely was a rule breaker.


	4. Reasons I Hate Boys

The first thing that Severus noticed about this list was that it was smudged and the handwriting was shaky.

> Reasons I Hate Boys (Especially Ronald Weasley):

Severus laughed. He had never liked the youngest Weasley boy. Weasley had absolutely no potions ability, was a downright git, tactless, insufferable idiot who had upset and insulted Hermione more times than Severus could count.

> October 31st

'Ah... that makes sense now.' This list must have been written after her Charms class in her first year. Severus had finally gotten the truth on the Mountain Troll incident from Hermione during her 7th year. It was that day, when he finally uncovered the truth that he realized that he cared for Hermione more than he should have cared for a student. This had been driven home by the fact that Severus had been extraordinarily irate upon hearing the story. He actually had to take a Calming Drought.

> 1\. He speaks with his mouth full.
> 
> 2\. They always cause trouble.
> 
> 3\. They are soo immature.
> 
> 4\. They don't listen to reason.
> 
> 5\. They don't take the well-being of others into account.

Severus had to admit that was true of most boys. He was guilty of doing so himself.

> 6\. He insults everyone.

'True,' Severus thought.

> 7\. They have no respect for authority, especially when it comes to the professors.

'That's a bit of an understatement.'

> 8\. They don't do their work, and if they do do it, they do it incorrectly.

Severus sighed. Unfortunately, most of the students never did their work well.

> 9\. He said, "'It's no wonder no one can stand her, she's a nightmare, honestly,'" and then had the gall to say that that I have no friends! As if I need that pointed out!

Reading that last sentence finally made Severus realize why she had clung so hard to her friendship with Potter and Weasley. Hadn't he done the same to Lily?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please Review!


	5. Reasons to Get Rid of Norbert

> Reasons to Get Rid of Norbert

_'Norbert? Who or what was Norbert?'_

> 1\. He's a dragon and dragons can't be tamed.

Severus snorted. _'Of course, Norbert must be one of Hagrid's failed pets.'_

> 2\. Hagrid lives in a wooden house.

_'Leave it to Hagrid to forget the obvious. I wonder if Hermione showed this to him?'_

> 3\. It's illegal. He could end up in Azkaban.
> 
> 4\. He appears to have poisonous fangs.

Severus realized that this must have been why Weasley hadn't shown up for class during that week in March. He must have been bitten.

> 5\. Hagrid is neglecting his ground-keeping duties so he can 'look after' Norbert.
> 
> 6\. Malfoy knows.

_'So that explains the fifty point loss that year,'_ Severus thought.


	6. Rescue the Stone & Summer Plans

The next list seemed to have been written in a hurry.

> What We May Need to Rescue the Philosopher's Stone
> 
> 1\. Wands

_'Obviously. She should have known to always have her wand on her person. Didn't Quirrell teach them anything?'_ Severus wasn't actually all that surprised. After all, Quirrell had the Dark Lord on the back of his head at the time.

> 2\. Harry's Invisibility Cloak

_'I hate that thing!'_

> 4\. A musical instrument

_'A musical instrument? What on earth did they need that for?'_

> Ask Harry about the flute Hagrid gave him for Christmas. It should help put Fluffy to sleep.

_'Fluffy must be that Cerberus. What a completely inappropriate name for that creature. Then again, it is Hagrid,'_ Severus thought.

Below this short list was another one that had clearly been written after the Stone had been "rescued." This one was written in Hermione's usual neat handwriting.

* * *

> Summer Plans
> 
> 1\. Homework

_'Good girl,'_ Severus couldn't help thinking.

> 2\. Family Reunion

Severus shook his head. He hated the blasted things. Even though he had never had any family reunions as a child, he'd been attending Hermione's since the summer before her 6th year. As Hermione's relatives were not witches or wizards, Severus had to come up with a false identity. The easiest lie was to say that he and Hermione were dating. After all, he couldn't very well explain to a bunch of muggles that he was her Potions Professor and her protection from Death Eaters. The Dark Lord had been aware that Severus was protecting the Grangers, but believed that Albus had forced Severus to make an unbreakable vow, preventing him from divulging anything about Hermione and her family. For some reason, Albus had refused to explain the last part to Hermione or her family.

> 3\. Try to convince Mum and Dad to let me have Madam Pomfrey shrink my front teeth.

Severus couldn't help but grin at that. His own crooked teeth were a matter of great contention in the Granger Household. He knew that Hermione's parents were fanatics when it came to teeth. They didn't approve of using magic to fix them. He could honestly understand where they were coming from. After all, if everyone were to use magic to fix such things, then they would have been out of work.

> 4\. Buy materials for second year.
> 
> 5\. Prepare for my second year.

Severus snorted in amusement. ' _Prepare, indeed. More like read and memorize every book.'_

Having reached the end of the list, Severus moved onto the next piece of parchment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a review.


	7. My Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by the fan fiction story "Almost," by BetteNoire (Posted on FanFiction.net).

> My family:
> 
> I just had a family reunion and I want to record my observations.
> 
> 1\. Mum and Dad
> 
> = I love them to death but they just don't understand me as much anymore. Not for lack of trying, of course.

Severus remembered when he first met Dr. John Granger and Dr. Jean Granger. They were downright aggravating. John had been convinced that Severus was going to take advantage of Hermione, and Jean was worse than Mrs. Scamander nee Lovegood. Actually, Severus was aware that Mrs. Scamander was a very practical witch with a lot of common sense, even if she had a unique way to express it. No, Dr. Jean Granger was worse than Sybill Trelawney. Jean had been completely in denial of what was going on in the Wizarding World. Hermione told Severus that her mother was actually quite smart and hadn't been that ditzy before her 3rd year. Apparently the idea of a time-turner causing Hermione to age an extra year coupled with Dementors was the breaking point of her parents' attempts to understand their daughter.

> 2\. Grandma Jeanette

Severus chuckled as he remembered the first time he had met Mrs. Jeanette Granger. She had taken one look at him and assumed that he and Hermione were dating. Of course, at the time Severus had used a glamor charm to look half his age so that may have been a factor in the assumption. Mrs. Jeanette Granger had 'interrogated' him and then declared him absolutely charming and a "perfect match" for her only granddaughter, much to the consternation of Hermione's father.

> = She just turned 75 and still had brown hair with no gray or white showing! I know she's not a witch so I don't understand how that works, and it's driving me nuts! She's still walking and swinging her mini-golf club.

That surprised Severus. Not the part about the walking or golf-club. What surprised him was that the brightest witch of the age didn't consider that Jeanette colored her hair. And Merlin, did she dye it.

> 3\. Grandpa Andrew

Severus was intrigued by this entry seeing as he had never actually met the man, but had heard that Mr. Andrew Granger had a good sense of humor.

> = Grandpa Andrew is in a wheelchair and has an oxygen tank attached. He told me that he fell off a horse and broke his hip bone. Grandma Jeanette laughed and said, "That was one wild ride that you had that night." I didn't understand why you would go horseback riding at night so I asked. All I was told was that it's romantic that way. I still don't understand. When I mentioned the oxygen tank he simply laughed and told me never to start smoking. That didn't make sense to me because when I asked dad about the smoking (I had never seen Grandpa smoke) he told me that Grandpa never smoked. I wish I knew why Grandpa Andrew really had the oxygen tank.

Severus couldn't help but grin at Hermione's lack of understanding the innuendo. Not that it was surprising, she was only12 years-old at the time.

> 4\. Aunt Amajean

Severus never understood why all the Granger women had the name base 'Jean' somewhere in their name. Hermione's aunt, Amajean Granger was a geneticist and always made terrible jokes. When she had overheard Severus ask Hermione about the name 'Jean,' she had cut into the conversation saying, "Well you know how it is, it's simply in the Gene's." Hermione managed to force a smile while it took all of Severus' control not to scowl. _'Granger women can be so difficult to deal with.'_

> = She's always been my favorite aunt because she says that girls shouldn't feel discouraged about anything. She always said that I'd be good at what ever I want.
> 
> 5\. Mr. Mark Wink
> 
> = A really boring person and Aunt Amajean's fiance. I personally do not think that they belong together.

Severus chuckled. Mr. Wink and his wife are a perfect example of 'opposites attract.'

> 6\. Uncle Jack and Aunt Beatrice

You can tell that Mrs. Beatrice Shephard-Roth is from Dr. Jean's side of the family because of the lack of 'Jean' in her name.

> = They've always been funny, but compared to the Weasley twins they're less likely to cause mayhem. I like their jokes, but some of them go over my head. I hate that!

Severus smiled at that. He knew full well that Hermione hated being ignorant or at least unaware. He also knew that they were most definitely the muggle version of the Weasley twins. Severus remembered that they were the most accepting of his and Hermione's relationship, much in the same way that Fred and George did.

> 7\. Uncle Patrick
> 
> = He still likes pretending to be a Magician. Of course, now that I'm older and am actually being trained as a witch, I know that they're just cheap parlor tricks.

Severus couldn't help but smirk. He knew that later on, Hermione would be glad of her uncle's 'abilities.' His "cheap parlor tricks" were very good at keeping the young ones busy.

Seeing that he was at the end of the list, Severus moved onto the next one.


	8. What my Parent's Think

> What My Parents Think of My Enemies and Friends:

Severus couldn't imagine that the Grangers would have anything nice to say about the Malfoys; especially because this list appeared to be from just before Hermione's second year, if the next line was anything to go by.

> There was an incident today in Flourish and Blotts in which Mr. Weasley and Mr. Malfoy got into a fight. My parents saw the entire confrontation.

Severus was able to vaguely recall Draco and Lucius complaining about the incident later. With a start, Severus realized that this must have been when all the trouble that year had really begun.

> 1\. Mr. Malfoy
> 
> == Dad: He's a jerk!

Severus snorted. As far as he was concerned, John was being polite in his assessment of Lucius.

> == Mum: That man has a horrifying personality and absolutely no propriety!

_'That's a better description,'_ Severus thought.

> 2\. Draco Malfoy
> 
> == Dad: That kid's going to take after his father, that's for certain.

Severus thought that that was a bit off. If anything, Draco was more like his mother in temperament. However, he couldn't really blame John for his assessment seeing as he had only met the boy for the first time.

> == Mum: That poor boy! No wonder he's such a menace if his father acts like that!

_'I couldn't agree more.'_

> 3\. Hagrid
> 
> == Dad: That man is bigger than Andre the Giant! I wonder if they're related?

_'I doubt it.'_ Severus remembered seeing the movie Princess Bride when he was 27 years old. He had quite enjoyed it and had been delighted when he found out that it was Hermione's favorite movie as well.

> == Mum: Thank goodness he was there to break up the fight. He seems nice enough, and from what Hermione says, he's actually very gentle, like Fezzik.
> 
> 4\. Mr. Weasley
> 
> == Dad: A very inquisitive man. A little strange.  
> == Mum: He is not strange John! He's a kind man who is interested in learning about a world he doesn't know. At least he wants to understand us, unlike some other wizards I can think of. Except for the incident with in the bookstore I think he's rather mild mannered.

Severus had to agree with both John and Jean. Arthur was a very kind man. In fact, Mr. Weasley was one of the few people in the Order who was always polite and never questioned his loyalty (except for the year after Severus killed Dumbledore).

> 5\. Mrs. Weasley
> 
> == Dad: Plump and overbearing. No sense of humor.
> 
> == Mum: John! She's just being motherly! She's given birth to seven children. I'm sure she knows what she's doing now. She needs to be strict, especially with those twins of hers! I'm sure she has a perfectly fine sense of humor. As far as I could tell, Mrs. Weasley is a kind and caring person.

_'Sorry Jean, but Molly is just overbearing. Well... most of the time. She can be kind.'_ Severus remembered well the many times Molly tried to force a meal on him.

> 6\. Percy Weasley
> 
> == Dad: Just like Hermione said he was, proper and probably a hard worker.

_'He's a hard worker but also an arrogant prick.'_

> == Mum: He's also ambitious.

_'I always thought that he should have been in Slytherin.'_

> 7\. Fred & George Weasley
> 
> == Dad: Those two are trouble makers, I could tell.
> 
> == Mum: Yes dear, I quite agree, but I suspect that there's more to them then meets the eye.

_'Very true,'_ Severus thought. _'They are actually very smart and cunning.'_ In fact, Severus had to admit that their pranks were usually quite entertaining.

> 8\. Ron Weasley
> 
> == Dad: An interesting kid. He certainly isn't the brightest.

_'Yet another understatement,'_ Severus thought. _'Then again, if Mr. Weasley hadn't been so stupid as to not see what was in front of him, I wouldn't have ever gotten a chance with Hermione.'_ Severus smirked. _'I guess dunderheads are useful sometimes.'_

> == Mum: You're right. He isn't the brightest and he can be quite rude.

_'Very true,'_ Severus thought as he scowled.

> 9\. Ginny Weasley
> 
> == Dad: She's a shy one.

Severus snorted in amusement. _'Yeah right. Ginevra being shy is as likely as me dying my hair pink on purpose.'_

> == Mum: She's so innocent looking! That poor girl, can you imagine having to grow up with six older brothers?

_'Innocent looking is not the same as actually being innocent.'_ Severus knew from first hand experience that Ginevra Potter nee Weasley is anything but innocent.

> 10\. Harry Potter
> 
> == Dad: Such a kind kid, giving his free books to Miss Weasley.
> 
> == Mum: He's just like Hermione described, isn't he? He is sweet and caring.

_'While even I will admit that he's caring, he's not exactly sweet.'_

Noting that this was the end of the list, Severus moved onto the next one.


	9. What I Like About Mr. Gilderoy Lockheart

> What I Like About Mr. Gilderoy Lockheart:

_'I still don't understand how anyone, especially the sensible Hermione, could have ever fallen for him,'_ Severus thought with a scowl.

> 1\. He's smart.

_'He's a smart ass, more like.'_

> 2\. He's clever.

Severus made a face of disgust. _'Only if you consider his way of committing fraud clever.'_

> 3\. He's nice.

_'If nice is another way of saying aggravating, then yes, he's nice.'_

> 4\. He's going to be a Professor.

Severus raised an eyebrow at that. Did Hermione have a crush on all of her professors simply because of that? Severus made a mental note to ask her.

> 5\. He's handsome.

_'Only because he spent twice as much time on his appearance than even Mrs. Lavender Weasley ever does.'_

> 6\. He has such Charisma!

_'Unfortunately.'_

> 7\. He's brave.

_Severus snorted in amusement. 'Hardly. Almost everything he claimed in his books was a lie.'_ In fact, Severus was so confident that if you picked a random passage from any of Lockheart's books, he would bet his potions lab that it was a lie or an act of fraud.

> 8\. He's brilliant!

_'Well, his smile is blinding.'_


	10. Where Are They? & What They Need to Hear

> Why Harry and Ron Are Not on the Hogwarts Express

'Ah yes, this was the year that Weasley and Potter decided to arrive in a different way.'

> 1\. I just haven't found them yet.
> 
> 2\. They overslept and missed the train.

Severus sighed. Sometimes his wife could be daft. ' _Of course that's not it. Molly would never allow that to happen.'_

> == That can't be right, since Percy, the twins, and Ginny made it onto the train. Mrs. Weasley would never allow that to happen.

_'Thank Merlin, she figured it out. I thought for a moment that I had married a dunce.'_

> 3\. They lost their tickets.
> 
> == That would be just like Ron. Harry's rather organized though, especially when it comes to things like that.

_'Molly would have made sure that they had their tickets anyway.'_

_'Well, that was a short list. Not to mention a waste of parchment,'_ Severus thought. Then he noticed another, longer list written on the back.

* * *

> Things That Harry and Ron Need to Hear

_'Hmm,'_ Severus thought. _'There are a lot of things those boys need to hear. I wonder if she ever said any of them?'_ Severus noted the date was the first day of term.

> 1\. Stop acting like dunderheads!
> 
> == Now I'm acting like a dunderhead! Of course, I can't say that! They would accuse me of being a Slytherin, or worse, they might think that I actually like Professor Snape!

Severus frowned. _'She sure changed her mind! Of course, she was twelve years old at the time and apparently in love with that brat, Lockheart.'_ Severus smirked as he thought, _'Of course she acts quite Snape-like now. I love seeing her friends' faces when she uses a phrase of mine.  It's even funnier when I say something that she would say.'_

> 2\. You boys are idiots! You could have been sent to prison or worse, expelled!

Severus couldn't help but smile. _'They still are idiots. Of course they wouldn't be sent to Azkaban, they were very much under age.'_ Severus scowled and thought, _'they should have been expelled though.'_

> == Of course if I said that, they would just say that I've got my priorities wrong.

Severus sighed. He did think that Hermione did in fact need to sort out her priorities then. Going to Azkaban would be a lot worse than getting expelled.   _'At least she's got them straight now.'_

> == Maybe they are right. Maybe expulsion would be better than going to prison.

_'Now you're talking sense!'_

> 3\. You should be ashamed of yourselves!

_'Molly took care of that,'_ Severus thought, smirking. He remembered that Howler well. He had quite enjoyed the look on Weasley's and Potter's faces. He hadn't enjoyed, despite the what he said, finding out that Arthur was facing an inquiry.

> 4\. You need to be more careful and think things through!

_'That will never happen.'_ Even now, Severus knew that Weasley and Potter rarely thought things through. Well Potter tended to think things through more than Weasley.

> 5\. I hope you've learned your lesson.

_'Of course they didn't.'_

> 6\. You deserve every bit of punishment you were given.

_'And more.'_

> 7\. You really should think before you act.

_'But that's not possible for them, they're Gryffindors.'_

> 8\. Don't you even care about how your actions affect others?

Severus realized that this was the end of the list and moved onto the next one.


	11. Puberty Research

> Things I Must Research Relating to Puberty:

Severus quirked an eyebrow at this. _'Of course she researched it! I can't believe I'm going to read this!'_ But curiosity got the better of his discomfort and he read on anyways.

> **Since I'm turning thirteen this year, Mum sat me down and told me a couple of things about puberty. I only just thought about it now because when I went to the bathroom I was bleeding!**
> 
> 1\. How long does the bleeding last?

_'Jean didn't tell her that?'_

> == I know that it comes once a month, but mum never said anything about when the bleeding stops! What if it doesn't stop! Will I bleed out? Will I die?

_'Dear gods. I do hope she went to Poppy Pomphrey.'_

> 2\. Sanitary napkins and tampons.

Severus swallowed and shifted his position slightly before continuing on.

> == They sound icky. How will I get them at school? How many should I take for a term? What do regular witches use? I'll just die if I have to ask Madam Pomphrey.
> 
> 3\. What and how do I tell the boys?

_'Don't! It's not any of their business.'_

> == It's not like I can go up to them and say, "Hey guys! I've started my...!" Great Scott! I don't even know what to call 'it!'

Severus closed his eyes and braced himself before reading on.

> Sub List:
> 
> What to call this!
> 
> A. My-little-monthly-pain-in-the-derrière-friend.

Severus blinked. _'I certainly didn't expect that one.'_

> == No, that's too long.

Severus snorted. _'Of course that's the only thing she sees wrong with that.'_

> B. My monthly friend.

_'Because that doesn't sound wrong at all.'_

> == I can't very well refer to this as a friend.
> 
> C. Period.

_'Oh, boy.'_

> == Not sensitive enough.

_'But that's what it is!'_

> D. Monthlies.

_'That works.'_

> == No. That would just confuse the boys.

_'Why would she care what the boys think?'_

> == Ron might think I'm a werewolf if I say that.

_'Well, if you put it that way. Weasley would think that wouldn't he?'_

> E. Girl problem.
> 
> == That sounds good.

Severus snorted. _'Really Hermione? That's ridiculous.'_

> == It's vague enough that the boys won't know the specifics, but they won't want to find out what's wrong.

Severus looked thoughtful. That did make sense, after a fashion.

> Main List
> 
> 4\. Why are only my nipples growing? Won't I ever have real breasts?

Severus chuckled. He was grateful that Hermione didn't have to end up worrying about that. This was an aspect of his wife that he appreciated greatly... and often. He might have fallen in love with Hermione for her mind, but he was still a man.

> 5\. I don't know about this getting pregnant stuff. It sounds very unlikely. Mum didn't say much, but I should have asked her if I will have a baby if a boy kisses me or if I shouldn't sit in a chair a boy has just gotten up from...or swimming! I wish I had an older sister!

Severus shook his head with a small smile. He knew that Hermione didn't really have to wonder about this anymore. She had first hand experience after all.

> 6\. How will I know if I'm having "emotional mood swings" that Mum talked about or am rightly upset about something?

_'You'll figure it out by the way people react to what you're doing.'_

> == Sometimes a person just gets mad, or sad, or worried and anxious and you never know if it is reasonable or not. I mean, Ron's bound to do something stupid and I can't just ignore it! What about my professors! Will they be able to understand! Will they notice! Gods that would be so embarrassing! I mean... What if Professor Snape notices! He already doesn't like me. This will just make it worse, won't it? Gods this is all so confusing! OH NO!... I think I'm in it!

Severus rolled his eyes. _'No dear, that's just a panic attack. And why would I care?'_

> 7\. Why do boys smell so bad lately? Does it go away?

_'Because they're teenage boys who don't give a damn about cleanliness.'_

> == It must go away since Professor Snape doesn't smell bad at all.

Severus blinked. _'She noticed how I smelled in her second year? Wow.' Expecting more, he looked back at the paper, but saw that he had reached the end of the list._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Till next time! Please let me know what you think!


	12. Slytherin's Heir & Polyjuice Potion

 

> Possible Culprits (Heirs of Slytherin)
> 
> 1\. Draco Malfoy

_'Of course!'_ Severus remembered his conversation with Malfoy following Halloween very clearly. Severus had found it necessary to remind Draco of the fact that he was a Slytherin, not a "bumbling, brash, and obvious Gryffindor." Severus also remembered the many conversations that he had with the other professors. He'd been forced to "investigate" his house. It hadn't mattered that Severus had reassured them time and time again that no one in his house was related to Salazar. Oh no! They never could believe that it was one of their own.

 

> == He's a git.

_'True, but that doesn't mean anything.'_

 

> == He hates muggle-borns.

_'So do a lot of other people.'_

 

> == But he doesn't have the guts to do anything dangerous. I honestly think that he's all talk and bluster.

_'She only knew him a year and she already has it figured out! She's definitely a Know-it-all.'_ Severus thought fondly.

 

> 2\. Vincent Crabbe

Severus raised an eyebrow. _'Really?!'_

 

> == He's not smart enough.

_'No, he's not.'_

 

> 3\. Gregory Goyle

_'Ditto.'_

 

> == Ditto for Goyal.
> 
> 6\. Pansy Parkinson

_'Ever the feminist, Mrs. Snape, ever the feminist.'_

 

> == Why can't a girl be the heir of Slytherin? She's foul enough.

_'True, but in traditional Pureblood society, only a male can be an heir, unless of course the daughter is an only child and a widow. Take Zabini's mum as an example.'_

_'Why are there only Slytherins on this list!?'_ Severus sighed. _'And here I thought my Hermione was an unprejudiced woman.'_

* * *

 

 

> Polyjuice Potion Ingredients
> 
> Professor Snape mentioned this in class a few weeks ago when we were learning about color changing potions and their uses. I realized that we could use this to ferret out who the Heir of Slytherin is.

Severus eyes widened in surprise. He wasn't aware that he had been the inspiration behind this harebrained scheme.

 

> 1\. Lacewing flies, stewed 21 days
> 
> == I can get these from the student store-cupboard.
> 
> 2\. Leeches
> 
> == Also in the student store-cupboard.
> 
> 3\. Powdered Horn of a Bicorn
> 
> == I'll have to steal those from Professor Snape.

Severus sighed. He remembered the day when Hermione had admitted to stealing his ingredients. It had been a hot and sunny day in August, four months after the Final Battle. Hermione had shown up to help continue the rebuilding of the school. That and she had promised those at St. Mungo's that she was going to keep an eye on him since he had only been released three days before. It was lunch time and Severus had been brewing various potions without stopping for any breaks. Hermione had come down to the dungeon that he was working in and insisted that he take a break. Upon his refusal, Hermione suggested that she take over the brewing while he ate. When Severus scoffed at her, Hermione had instantly become furious and told him in no uncertain terms that he was "a buggering scallywag of a buffoon!" and that he "should be grateful that she didn't just stick him in a full body-bind and cart him back to St. Mungo's."

_"Well, it would be rather hard for me to eat lunch then, wouldn't it?" He had snarked back._

_"Son of a-"_

_"Miss Granger, I suggest that you don't finish that sentence."_

_"Look, just eat the damn sandwich, will you?!"_

_"After I-"_

_"No! I am more than capable of finishing a strengthening solution and invigorating drought! After second year-"_

_"My private store room-"_

_"I know how to access it; I did it in second year!"_

_That brought Severus' response to a stand still._

_"It was you! You're the one who stole the boomslang skin and bicorn horn?!"_

_Hermione had smirked. "You mean that you never suspected that it was me?"_

_Severus frowned. "I thought for certain that Weasley or Potter-"_

_Hermione laughed. "I could have sworn that you were an intelligent man Professor! Harry threw the firework and Ron was there the whole time! They couldn't have been in two places at once!"_

_Severus had then glared at Hermione which only served to make her grin grow bigger._

_After that, Severus had relented and eaten his lunch while Hermione brewed. The only problem was that she refused to let him continue after he had finished._

Severus smiled fondly at the memory. As far as he was concerned, that had really been the true start of their friendship.

 

> 4\. Knotgrass
> 
> == Also in the student store-cupboard.
> 
> 5\. Fluxweed, picked at the full moon
> 
> == I think I saw some on the grounds by Hagrid's.

Severus couldn't help but be impressed. No other second year would dare do anything like that.

 

> 6\. Shredded Boomslang Skin
> 
> == I'll have to steal these as well.

Severus saw that was the end of the list and moved to the next one.


	13. To Be a Cat & My Favorite Magical People

> What it's like to be a Cat
> 
> I cannot believe that I'm missing the rest of Christmas break because I couldn't tell the difference between cat hair and human hair!

Severus blinked before smiling to himself. Apparently his wife was blaming herself for not knowing something she shouldn't have had to know about in the first place. _'How typical.'_

> 1\. My tail is really annoying! It gets in the way of everything! It doesn't even help with balance like tails are supposed to! I can't believe that Moaning Myrtle thought that this was funny!

Severus couldn't help but laugh. He remembered the day that Hermione turned herself into half a cat. Poppy had called him up to help her figure out what happened. Twenty minutes later, Poppy was ready to kill him because he still hadn't explained the situation. This was not because he didn't know. It was quite the opposite. He had taken one look at the girl, remembered the missing ingredients and immediately knew what happened. No, Severus had been laughing so hard that he couldn't get the words out. He honestly couldn't remember the last time he had laughed so much or so hard. Severus had only stopped laughing when Minerva had walked in and threatened to castrate him. Fortunately for Severus, Hermione had been dosed with a calming draught as well as a sleeping potion before Severus arrived, for if his future wife had witnessed his laughter, she probably would have chopped him up for use as potion ingredients.

Severus eventually told Poppy that it was a Polyjuice Potion accident. This was much to Minerva's chagrin as she had refused to believe him when he stated that some of the students were brewing the illicit potion. He did however, suggest, much to the shock of both women, that "Miss Granger not get punished as coughing up hairballs is punishment enough." The real reason, however, is that Severus had been so entertained that he didn't want to ruin the memory.

> 2\. I have whiskers! They twitch whenever the windows are open or someone walks by!

Severus couldn't hold back his snort of amusement. What he wouldn't have given to have the ability to detect movement like that during his days of a spy.

> 3\. I'm covered in Fur!

_'Ah, yes. I remember that.'_ And remember her fur, he did. Severus had to admit that Hermione's fur had been rather pretty. It had been black with a smattering of dark grey. It had looked silky and there had been several times that Severus had needed to restrain himself from petting it.

> == It's so itchy, and I look terrible! I really hope it goes away soon. It looks a fright! Not to mention all the hairballs that I keep getting! I don't even know how I'm getting them, considering I don't lick my fur!
> 
> 4\. My eyes are green like Harry's! I don't like it. Cat eyes are very difficult to see with. I don't think my brain can process the images properly!

Severus closed his eyes and tried to recall her eyes at the time. Ah yes, those green eyes. At the time he had felt a slight pang in his chest because the eye color was so much like Lily's. However, the shape of her eyes and pupils had been completely wrong. The color was just wrong for the then Miss Granger, even a Miss Granger covered in beautiful fur.

> 5\. My ears are helpful though! Despite the horrible way that they look, they are great for hearing!

_'Ah yes, the infamous cat hearing!'_ Severus was of the opinion that this was one aspect of her botched transformation that seemed to have not disappeared. While he was convinced that it had helped keep her alive during the war, it was more annoying than helpful now. He couldn't really sneak up on her anymore. It was difficult enough to keep her from finding out anything he was trying to keep a surprise, without her being able to hear him and whatever he was doing from two rooms away. Surely it's only natural to want to surprise your wife once in a while. After all, it helps keep the romance fresh!

Severus noticed that the rest of the parchment was filled with another list.

* * *

> Top Ten Magical Beings I Like
> 
> 1\. Harry James Potter

_'Of course, the Brat-Who-Lived would have been at the very top of the list!'_

> 2\. Ronald Weasley
> 
> 3\. Rubeus Hagrid

_'Ah, Hagrid.'_ Severus had always been reminded of Fezzik whenever he encountered or thought about Hagrid. Hagrid had always been kind to him during his school days. It was Hagrid who had taken Severus' side when Black had tried to kill him in his sixth year. The fact that Hagrid had been the second person to apologize for doubting him only endeared the half-giant to him more.

> 4\. Professor Minerva McGonagall
> 
> 5\. Madam Poppy Pomphrey

Severus couldn't help but smile at that. _'Of course! She's only patching you up when you wrote this,'_ he thought. Poppy had been the only other besides Hagrid who had wanted something more severe to happen to Black in his sixth year.

Severus blinked in surprise at the next name on the list.

> 6\. Professor Severus Tobias Snape

His first thought was not, "How did I make this list?" Instead he thought, "How the hell did she learn my middle name?" Severus knew why he was on the list. She had made that clear to him when she first woke up after her initial treatment of a calming draught and sleeping potion. When she first saw him she looked scarred. At the time he thought it was because she thought that he would insult her, not having known that she was the one who stole the ingredients. Instead he surprised her by sitting on the bed next to hers and calmly explaining what her cure would entail. When she realized that he would be brewing the potion that would help her, she immediately thanked him. Severus had been stunned. He hadn't been thanked for his services by anyone in a very long time and definitely didn't expect a Gryffindor to do so. Severus honestly didn't know what to say at the time and was rather embarrassed although he hid it well.

> 7\. Professor Gilderoy Lockheart

_'Ha! I beat you!'_

> 8\. Sir Nearly Headless Nick

Severus snorted in amusement upon reading the eighth name on the list. Severus was well aware that Sir Nicolas had kept Hermione company a lot of the time during that Christmas break.

> 9\. Mr. & Mrs. Weasley

That honestly didn't surprise Severus. The next name did though.

> 10\. Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

The fact that Albus was on the list wasn't what was surprising. It was the fact that he was at the bottom of it. He honestly couldn't understand why Hermione didn't put him higher on the list.

Upon reaching the end of the list, Severus started on another one.


	14. Suspicious Behavior

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for this list came from the awesome paddiew who gave me the 50th review on FanFiction.net.

> Suspicious Behavior
> 
> I must admit that it's possible for someone other than a Slytherin to be the heir. So I've decided to make a list of anyone who acts suspiciously. Even if it doesn't help, it will still give me something to do until I get out of the infirmary.

_'She truly must have been bored out of her mind. After all, sitting in the infirmary for over a month is extraordinarily boring.'_

> \+ Professor Snape:

Severus couldn't believe his eyes. _'I certainly don't think I acted suspiciously!'_

> > Even though I'm certain he knows that I brewed Polyjuice Potion with stolen ingredients, he hasn't said anything or punished me!

_'That's because the image of you as a part cat was truly amusing.'_ Not that Severus would ever admit this to his wife. After all, he did want to keep his manhood. _'Not to mention, that I might be a cruel bastard, but I do have my limits.'_

> > He answered my all of my questions about the possible side effects of the potions I have to take. Without complaint. He never does that!

Severus sighed. He had always admired her ability to come up with thoughtful and insightful questions, even as he would insult her for wasting his time with inane questions. What he hadn't appreciated was her tendency to contradict him and question him whenever his answer didn't match what she had read. He had always known that she was smart and talented. However, it wasn't until after her fifth year that he was able to fully ascertain that she was intelligent as well. That seemed to be when she stopped wholly relying on books for her class work. The only reason he had loathed reading her extra long essays, was because she never seemed to have anything original to say. After her fifth year her essays had changed. She actually had begun to draw her own conclusions and critically think about what she read and learned. Of course this may have had something to do with the fact that he had stayed with her family over that summer. He had actually begun to enjoy reading her lengthy essays and they had become one of the few bright spots in his life that year. He had even gone so far as to write follow-up questions on the bottom of her essays, questions that she had consistently answered. There were a few times when she would ask a question of him in return. He would always respond at the bottom of her returned essays.

> > He's positively friendly to Madam Pomfrey! That's just weird! He's never polite to anyone, except maybe Headmaster Dumbledore.

Severus rolled his eyes. _'Such is the narrow-mindedness of youth. I can't possibly have a three-dimensional personality! Of course, I can be polite; I simply reserve it for people who deserve it... Unless of course its a matter of survival.'_

> > I could have sworn that I overheard the Professor joking with Professor McGonagall! They were talking about Professor Lockhart!

Severus snorted. _'I doubt I was joking. Minerva and I were probably trying to see who could come up with the best insults. Come to think of it, we did that a lot.'_

> ~ Of course, I'm not so sure that he was joking. Honestly! Calling Professor Lockhart 'a lying legerdemain of a lunkhead and a disgrace to the human race' is a terrible thing to say! Not to mention it's unprofessional! Besides, Professor Lockhart is nice. He gave me a get well card!

_'Oh yes, I forgot that giving a get well card automatically precludes one from being and idiotic charlatan,'_ Severus thought. As Severus looked down at the next name on the list, his eyebrows rose in surprise.

> \+ Professor McGonagall

_'What is she doing on this list?'_

> > She hasn't punished me either! I'm positive that Professor Snape told Professor McGonagal about what he knows. I mean, he is always trying to get Harry, Ron, and I into trouble. And this is obviously something that is against the rules. I just don't understand! We should be in trouble, but we aren't!

Severus couldn't help but be amused by how Hermione seemed to want to get in trouble. _'She's practically gagging for it! Hmm... Maybe I should bring it up tonight and punish her for this misdemeanor.'_

> > I overheard her speaking ill of Professor Lockhart! She's always respectful of everyone.

Severus chuckled. He knew for a fact, as Hermione later found out, that the reasoning behind how Minerva treated people was very similar to his own.

> \+ Ginny Weasley
> 
> > She apologized to me for no reason. I honestly don't understand how my being in here is her fault.

_'That_ is _odd.'_

> > She also seems even paler than the last time I saw her.
> 
> > She seems more skittish too. It's almost as if she's afraid of what's going on.

Severus scowled. If only Hermione relayed these observations to a professor, the whole situation may have been resolved much sooner. Of course, Minerva _should_ have noticed too. Severus met with _his_ first years once a month so he could help them adjust and learn what was normal and abnormal behavior for each child.

> ~ But she's a pureblood. So she has no reason to be scared of being attacked. Unless she's the heir of Slytherin. But that doesn't make any sense because her family doesn't care about blood purity.

_'That's definitely true. Of course no one counted on her being possessed by a horcrux.'_

Severus was rather surprised to find that the list ended there. He had expected more, especially since she had been in the hospital wing for over a month. Then again, she hadn't gotten many visitors, if he remembered correctly. She must have been rather short on useful material. Giving a mental shrug, Severus moved onto the next list.


	15. Classes I wish Hogwarts Ran

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much of the content of this chapter was inspired by the 'Harry Potter Honest Trailer.'

> Classes I Wish Hogwarts Offered

Severus snorted. _'Of course she would want more classes.'_

> 1\. Cooking or Domestic Spells

Severus smirked. He wished that Hogwarts taught that too since Hermione couldn't even cook pasta without burning it. Needless to say, Severus did all the cooking. It wasn't that Severus didn't mind cooking; it was just that it would be nice to have dinner made for him once in a while.

As for domestic spells, those were largely taught in Charms during the fourth and fifth years. The more complicated spells were part of the Seventh year curriculum. Not that Hermione would have known that when she wrote this list.

> 2\. Wizarding Law/Government

Severus' eyebrow arched in surprise. This should be covered in History of Magic. Upon Reading Hermione's comment, Severus' brow furrowed in consternation. He'd have to speak to Minerva about this.

> > Professor Binns only talked about the origins of the British Ministry of Magic and some of the major laws that came into effect over a hundred years ago. Not to mention that most people just fall asleep during his lectures and miss out on important information. Once in a while, other Professors will make mention of a law that effects their area of study, but won't go into detail. I mean, what if a student wants to go into politics or become a lawyer? They'd have to do their research all on their own.

_'I definitely need to talk to Minerva about this oversight.'_ The more Severus thought about it, the more he realized that muggle-borns were highly underrepresented in the government simply because they lacked the knowledge that a pure-blood or half-blood might have.

> 3\. Magical Culture/Magical Life
> 
> > There are so many things that I think should be taught to at least the Muggle-borns. It seems that the curriculum of this school assumes that you come from a pure-blood or at least a half-blood background.

Severus couldn't agree more. There were and still are plenty of topics that are assumed to be taught by parents and are considered to be common knowledge to anyone who grew up aware of the existence of magic. Now that Severus thought about it, Muggle-borns come into and often leave Hogwarts with a huge disadvantage.

> >Oh, well. I guess I'll just sign up for every class that's offered so I will have less of a disadvantage after I graduate. Granted, Harry and Ron think I'm crazy, but they, especially Ron, want to get away with doing as little as possible.

_'How true,'_ Severus thought with slight bitterness.

Severus realized that he reached the end of the list. Making a mental note to send an owl to Minerva with a copy of this list and his accompanying thoughts, he moved onto the next list.


End file.
